The Russian Special

Maybe the only thing that equals the Stanley Burroughs Master Cleanse is a colonic. After recently cleansing to the worst effects to date, I decided to clean my system another way. I looked up colonic online, and the Clarity Medispa was the primary result (if you link through to the web site, notice the Our Facility section is coming soon). By the name of this place I presumed I would reap the results of any procedure, and return to my car feeling refreshed and ready to face what the world threw at me. The web site wasn't awful, so I thought, I'm in for a treat!

Well, reality set in when I found the strip mall (yes, you read right) where the spa was located. For some reason, I feel like any place that does Botox or microdermabrasion should not be located in a strip mall. This particular one had many of the strip mall favorites like a China Moon buffet, a Bill Bateman's Bistro (this is a chain located in every WT area of Baltimore), a dry cleaner, and a tax return place. The Social Services Department and WIC were also there. Need I say more?

I don't find them in the strip so I call, and they tell me they are around back behind the "Beauty Academy" and the dumpsters. I put "Beauty Academy" in quotes because this was certainly not a place for teaching beauty. It was maybe 900 sq. ft, with mannequin heads of gay men with beards in the window. The girl at the front counter welcoming prospects had the worst hair I've ever seen. Too long, and crimped with an iron, with white blond and red streaks.

I made my way around the building to the long flight of stairs to the dumpster landmark. Another thing I wouldn't readily associate with a spa of this sort--being behind dumpsters that is.

I finally arrive, and walk in. As I fill out the paperwork, I start taking in the environment. They have a lot of those animated picture landscapes. The ones that look like waterfalls, with sparkles and stuff like that in them. I bet China Moon has a few of those too. The price sheets for their services are in a binder printed from a dot matrix printer. I start to worry.

They call me back into the colonic room, which is way scarier than the front. The massive machine is mounted onto the wall, but there are medical sheets all over the floor, where I can tell it leaked. Now, I will remind you readers, that this is a shit machine, so if there is a leak, it's trouble for sure.

The walls are spray painted over tiles in gold, and there are plastic flower arrangements all over the room. She tells me to change in the bathroom, and there are more trinkets in there, and several hand markered signs about flushing tampons and paper towels in the toilet, and the fines you will incur if you flush them. It was dusty in there, and I had trouble finding hand soap to wash my hands. I pondered for a moment about getting naked and letting this crazy Russian lady in this less than clean place stuff a probe up my butt for 45 minutes. I decided it was too late to turn back, so I stripped down, and awaited my fate in this borderline 70s Eastern European bath house.

Luckily, the tech was very nice, and very professional. She made the whole thing a lot better for sure. I won't go into the details of how the whole thing went down other than the process. They fill you up with warm water (yes, into your colon), until you can't hold it any more. When you feel like you can't hold it any more, you say "Release" and she pulls the one pipe of water going in, so the waste can come out. This occurs four times during the procedure. It certainly wasn't as awful as I thought, but it's not exactly a swedish massage. She did massage my colon. Does that count?

She told me I needed two more sessions over three weeks. I should no longer be full of shit by that point.

By buying three sessions, you get a free B12 shot. This was another interesting experience.

I got the B12/MIC shot, which requires a shot in the ass of course. I go into another room where the shots happen, and there is just a counter with about 20 jars of assorted remedies. It was like a witch doctors brew, and I was about to get the freaky treatment. The MIC part is also $10 extra, but I had already run my credit card twice, so I said, forget it I'll just get the regular one. She ended up just giving me the MIC under wraps. So, it's now also apparent, they have no regulation of this stuff. Did I mention the hot wax was also sitting on the same tray as all the other drugs? Lovely.

She told me the shot wouldn't hurt because she was going to give me the "Russian Special." I couldn't even guess what this would entail. Well, a moment later I learned. She slapped my ass, then put the needle in. I have to say, she was right, it didn't hurt.

I highly recommend the B12 shot. I felt great after I got it, and my energy level was so high. I'm hoping it will help my hair (that is falling out) as well.

Thanks for the memories Clarity Medispa. See you the next two weeks!