Rent Don't Buy

My newest obsession is Bag Borrow or Steal. This is the rental site which offers high-end handbags, jewelry, and accessories for rent by the week, month, or season.

I started with a Gucci handbag, moved on to a vintage Kenneth Jay Lane coral necklace, and am now carrying an LV tote, and sporting a vintage Dior cuff with my sweatpants, that's how much I love this bracelet.

Since, I can't justify paying $1800-4,000 for a purse, I've been renting some mid-range bags just for the H of it. Now, a girl truly can dream.

The bad thing is, my necklace (shown here) has received so many compliments since I started wearing/renting, it makes me want to by it very badly, and start my vintage jewelry collection.
So far, I have no pieces. A slow start yes, but I've always wanted to collect something, and since my vintage trophy idea isn't panning out very well, I might as well collect great pieces for myslef, and for Lyla to wear when she's older.
NOTE: This is also the reason I use to justify buying designer shoes and clothes. I keep saying I'll put them in my archives like the celebs do. Too bad my basement is already piled floor to ceiling with exersaucers, and other plastic monstrosities that will surely last beyond the apocalypse. There are also about 50 gallons of used/unused paint, a bunch of those dark brown soup crocks, games like Pictionary and Scattergories I also vow will be played, an exercise bike I begged Trent to buy me while I was pregnant that I've used five times because it hurts my butt, and about 50-60 bags and bins of baby clothes and linens down there. So, I don't know where my archive should be. Maybe I'll start to put it all up on the third floor with my extra antique chair purchases and the bathing suit bins I swear I will pull from when I lose 30 pounds. Hmm. More on that later.

So the coral necklace is available for purchase for $750. More than I've ever paid for any piece of jewelry by about $500. I just don't have any really nice jewelry (that I've bought myself). I would easily spend this in two visits to Target, BabyGap, or a local boutique, but for some reason, the whole amount seems higher than anything in the world. Why is that?

The Dior bracelet pictured here is not available for sale, THANK GOD. I am so in love with it. It looks great with everything, and makes me feel like old Hollywood. I feel like I should be wearing it in my navy blue and white dressing room with white leather chaises and mirror tables. That's how awesome this thing is.

I really like Louis Vuitton signature bags. Even though they've been copied, and every cheesy B celeb has one, and girls with fake french manicured nails sometimes also have them, I still love the clean look. So, whatevs, I rented it. I love a bag with a lot of room without my stuff getting lost in it. This bag is big, with two big outside pockets that don't swallow my phone or sunglasses.

The Gucci bag I rented (because this one was on a wait list) wasn't comfy on my arm, and everything got lost in it. The LV allows easy access to everything, and slips gracefully on and off my shoulders. I can also store Lyla stuff in there, which allows one less bag on outings.
The weird thing is, Fil who I work with said he didn't see me carrying a bag like that. Which struck me, considering he never knows what I'm talking about when I prance around the office in something new, he inevitably asks me how much it was, and I say something like, "I had to buy these Prada/Christian Louboutin/Jimmy Choo shoes, they were on sale for $400!" Not sure why I didn't probe him about why he doesn't see me with the bag. Maybe it's because he's seen girls wearing the LV bag and a Ravens jersey at the same time? That would be tragic, but so fitting here in Baltimore. They don't call it Charm City for nothing.
Then, I went to my cousin's baby shower last weekend, and my sister told my Mom she couldn't see me having that bag either (she didn't hear the Fil story either). Interesting. Maybe it's because I'm usually carrying some canvas recycling bag, and playing it off like it's a purse. Or, I'm carrying my Mom's sewing bag from the 70s made from two wood spools wrapped in brown and green printed fabric.
Whatever the reasons may be, people find this purse unsuitable for me.
Another great reason to rent I say. If no one likes it, I just send it back.

Maybe one day I will find the right purse for me, or I will invest in my first vintage jewel. For now, as the Stereophonics would say, "I'm just looking, I'm not buyin'"

Danger Laptop

Dell just announced the relase of their new Adamo XPS, which is half the width of the MacBook Air, and all the talk right now. Just when you think you're so slim-enter the Bergdorf Goodman addition. it adds twice the width to the laptop, and frankly look to me more like a weapon than a computer. It's all jagged chain link and snakey.
What were they thinking? Not only is it completely clunky, it's ugly. Right?

And is this the guy using it? He looks more like the guy that is trying to dress cool, but really lives in a smelly from old shoes walk-up and keeps his beater matrix in his parents driveway.

Actually, I think it might be David Caruso's promo shot from CSI: West Hollywood.

Do I Need This?

I have no idea why my comments are all caps. I checked the formatting and the HTML, and it is normal. I think it may have to do with the mark-up language I pasted in screwing with Blogger. POS application!

So, you will have to deal with me yelling the next two paragraphs.

Anyway, this is an excerpt from Calorie Lab.com, a site I use to calculate Weight Watchers points. I said to myself just the other night, that I'd give up almost anything to be thin (except food of course because I love it so much). When I found this article, I thought about whether I could endure it. After all, I've done the Stanley Burroughs Master Cleanse countless times, the heart surgery diet, the all fruit diet, Atkins, South Beach, and have been flirting with Blueprint.

The problem is, and this is the same with all of these diets, or gimmicks, you gain the weight right back. After I cleanse, I've lost 7-10 pounds, but the week after I return to solids, I'm back at my heavyweight status. Although, 30 pounds, could keep me thin long enough to try to develop better eating habits. Who's with me?

Tongue Patch: The hurts-too-much-to-eat weight-loss program

Notice to those supervising the Worst Weight-Loss Concept of the 21st Century competition: we may already have a winner.

We thought that our recent post satirizing commercial diet gimmicks took the concept to its extreme with Rubber Dining Utensils, the Hannibal Lecter Dining Mask, and so forth. But we failed to reckon with reality, in the form of the Chugay Tongue Patch, which is a piece of mesh about the size of a first-class stamp that is surgically attached to the patient’s tongue, thereby making eating not just awkward but downright painful.

Even worse, it probably hurts just to complain about it.

The Tongue Patch is the creation of Dr. Nikolas Chugay, the director of a cosmetic surgery clinic, who claims that patients affixed with Patches have lost up to 30 pounds in just one month. This may not be such a far-fetched claim, given that the Patch, which the patient wears for the entire month, essentially limits the Patchee to a liquid diet that is heavy on the “vitamins and nutrients” and presumably light on the calories.

The Patch has acquired a noticeable following in — surprise — the greater Los Angeles area, where no idea is too crackpot to gain at least some traction.

Naturally, Dr. Chugay’s device has its critics, who note that using physical discomfort to effect long-term behavior modification is ethically questionable, and sewing something onto someone’s tongue downright Medieval. Not to mention that after 30 days, the patient is back on solid food, and probably half mad with hunger. Lots of luck.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

For any of you Beastie fans out there, a shout out to ya.

I was watching one of my many guilty pleasures Gossip Girl last night, and I luckily I Tivoed it, so I could rewind three times to make sure what I heard was correct.

One of the main characters Serena played by the lovely but not talented Blake Lively, said a line where she was referring to a girl named Georgina who said her name was Sara, from "Brookland"
I immediately rewound, asking myself, did she just say Brookland? She did. You can distinctly hear the D at the end. Is it possible that no one heard this but me? No editors, directors, actors?

Now, there was an episode last year where Gossip Girl narrated this: "And as for Blair Waldorf, say uncle. We here she kept in the Bass Family on New Years, but rumor has it Chuck spent some time in Brookland, metaphorically speaking of course. "

This alludes to the one-night stand Chuck Bass had with Vanessa, who is from Brooklyn. How is it possible that Brooklyn and Brookland have been mixed up twice on a NYC-based show?

I need answers, and my research isn't getting them to me fast enough. Is there anyone in the world that heard this? Rewind tonight, and let me know.

Lyla Takes up the Harmonica

In my quest to pass the time on our long journey home from the Outer Banks, I bought myself (and Lyla) a harmonica at the Cracker Barrel in Williamsburg, VA. Trent was less than enthused when he saw it on the checkout counter since we already have one at home. I bought the last one on our way home from Myrtle Beach, SC about eight or so years ago. Trent had to listen to me for at least two to three hours while I taught myself how to play When the Saints Go Marching In, and Piano Man. I can play by ear, but I can't remember what I played so well, so it never really stuck, but it did pass the time for me! If there was a time for Trent to dump me because of me being completely annoying, that was the night.

Possibly on purpose, Trent put our bag full of Cracker Barrel loot in the trunk, so I never did get to play in the car, and neither did Lyla.

However, the harmonica was found, and provided to my already musical daughter the Sunday after we returned. The first video here is her very first effort with the instrument. I think she did pretty well.



By the second video, she was walking and blowing, and perhaps losing her balance. She did manage to take a bow though.



By the third video, taken last Thursday, she's become a real pro, and even rocks to the rhythm.



I have to say, this may be her calling. After all, there are many songs with famous harmonica solos:

1. Love Me Do- The Beatles
2. What I Like About You- The Ramones
3. Isn't She Lovely- Stevie Wonder
4. Run Around - Blues Traveler (I only list it because it's famous. I'd pather poke my eye out than listen to this horrible jam band)
5. I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues — Elton John (Stevie plays the harmonica on it though)

Who the H is Chan Luu?

Sorry for the lapse in lively mockery of myself. I was on vacation for a week, and the week back has left me severely exhausted. I won't go into the details of why I am sore, lacking sleep, hungry, thirsty, and ugly. It's usually all the same reasons any way.

So, to make myself feel better, I went to Elizabeth Arden yesterday for an eyebrow wax and a collagen treatment. Of course, I didn't plan on getting the collagen, but like every other place I go, I got roped into it by the fast talking, smooth-skinned esthetician. It was relaxing though, and was just what the doctor (Walter) ordered. I got to wear a sarong, and lay under a warm blankie, with mittens on my weary hands. And, aside from virtually gluing my eyes shut with a wet wrap full of cucumber cream, and me feeling a bit panicky about my eyes being forced shut for 15 minutes (see A Clockwork Orange as a watery reference), it was quite a refreshing drink for my bumpy, dry, and mysterious skin (as she put it).

After the lovely treatments, I decided to grab lunch at one of my favorite cafes in Baltimore in the same shopping center. While I waited, I headed over to a place called the Jean Pool that carries jeans, great tees, and a few other trinkets. The Project Vintage tees were on sale for 50 percent off, so I was all over them, since they fit and wash really well. Meanwhile, I get engrossed in conversation with the owner Scott about his Cartier "Love" bracelet (he told me sadly no one has the key, and that he bought it for himself. That is so me!), and the new jeans he has in that are of course only in tiny girl sizes. We finally find one pair of AG jeans (my absolute favorite jean brand that were featured on Oprah for making your butt look smaller) that will fit me, so I'm excited. I try on one size smaller than I normally wear, since that was the biggest size he had in all his inventory, and basically it's sausage in its casing from hip to toe. Lord...why? After a few squats, and Scott assuring me they'll stretch, but at the same time not answering my rapid fire questions about how they look on me in the outside of fitting room mirror--What about my thighs? Are they rubbing? Are my saddle bags sticking out? Is my butt too old to wear these? I decide to get them. All the while he was likely texting his dinner date while I talked myself into buying them (as I do with most purchases). I don't even need a sales person, I do all the selling myself. I tell myself I can only get thinner from here, or they will stretch, or I can always return them (which there you cannot, and I never return anything anyway).

As this argument with myself continues, I roam the store for other finds. There is a display of using an unused paint roller atop a pile of jeans with about eight wrap bracelets tied to it. Very cool, leather with beads. I've seen these types in a few mags lately, and was digging them. I try one on my wrist, and around my neck, and we both decide it is a confirmed purchase. Now, he keeps telling me, "Yeah, they're the new Chan Luu bracelets." I hear him, but nothing is computing because I have no idea who that is. A few minutes later at the front counter, I see some black leather bracelets with similar beads and leather ties. They are $12 each, or three for $35. I decide they too must be mine as well. He tells me a local Baltimore artist makes them. So, I say, "Oh, is this the same person that does the bracelet from the paint roller?" He looks at me the way all gay male fashionistas do when you don't get it, and says again, "No sweetie, those are the Chan Luu bracelets." I'm thinking how I know a lot of brands, but I can't keep up with the thousands of designer jean and trendy jewelry designers, and that this is just another small designer I don't know. I have inserted a pic of the bracelet at hand for reference--cuz it gets pretty nutty from here (the one on the right is the crazy one, the left pic is the cheap one).

When it's all said and done, and he rings me up, the total is way, way more than I thought. I'm quickly calculating the half off tees, and jeans which were pricey, but still not nearly as much as the total he came up with. Due to the parties that may be reading this post, I will not disclose the full purchase amount. Sorry honey. :)
While I'm pulling a John Nash, trying to see the quantities and numbers in my head, he is pointing to the receipt telling me that the local chick's jewelry rings up separately and by hand, so it's not on the itemized list, and all this business about the $35 for those. Meanwhile, I'm thinking of how this all transpired. In typical Jen fashion, I'm too flustered and confused to say anything, so I decide I'll check it out in the car, then go back if needed.

I end up talking to my Mom the whole drive to work, so I forget to check the receipt again. Well, when I get to work, I get distracted until two hours after the purchase. I went into my wallet to get my CC out to pay for lunch, when I saw the bracelet, and decided to put it on. It still had the little hang tag on it with the price. When I saw it, blood flowed into every extremity, and I felt a mix of total shock and embarrassment at my stupidity for not looking at the price; kind of like the time I made a surprise poopy in my pants in third grade because I was yelling so loud to get this boy Matthew Pizarazz's attention (whom I liked btw), that I busted a vessel back there, and it all slipped out. I was wearing an off white matching sweat suit too.

The bracelet that pretty much matched my $12 bracelet was $189.
To my credit, as you can see here, the price tag was minuscule, and he had it with the "BG 1494" side up on the display, so there were smoke and mirrors involved in the merchandising of it. They lured me in. It's sitting on a paint roller for crying out loud, and all the other bracelets are between $12-24. Why would I ever think it was $189?

I immediately looked up Chan Luu online, and sure enough he/she is this celeb fave jewelry designer, all over every mag, and on everyone's wrists . I told the guys at work, and of course, they all laughed at me, and we all told stories of how this has happened to us, where we thought something was cheaper, and at the register it ends up being so much. Although, all of their stories ended with them putting the item back. Mine ended with me wearing it all day, and living with the guilt of it. I think it's mostly because it's not worth the money at all. It will probably be out of style next week, and I'll be wearing a feather dangling toe ring instead.

At least me, Madonna, Reese, Katie, Rhianna, Jen, Nicole, Halle, and Drew have all been saddled with the hefty price tag of this luxury item. I wonder if they 're feeling the same way about the blow of this $189 on their bank accounts?

Why is Forever 21 so Wrong and Yet So Right?

Sorry guys, this one isn't for you.

I am a fan of Forever 21, and their lower-end, but still somewhat trendy band of web sites. I order countless hair accessories from them for mere pennies. I have also been buying their underwear as of late, and even though it's "juniors" sizing, it actually fits me better than any other underwear. I've bought dresses for under $20, and shoes for even less.

My beef with them is their hero shots. This is the image in each section that showcases their line. Every time I go to their site, I admire the images and styling they've been doing. I actually want the stuff. The thing is, they almost never carry what's in the shots. I have been considering sending a frosty letter to the management about this issue. I often threaten to do this (re: Joann fabric, Anthropologie, Paris Hotel in Las Vegas). How can a girl get her cheap clothing fix, when the cheap clothing isn't available? Take the hot pink skirt (inset right) here. Yes, I want it. No, I can't get it. Paired with black tights, a simple white tee, and Christian Louboutin booties it would be the genius behind my winter party look. Because I do party so often. And I will dismiss the fact that my huge legs and ass might never even fit into it. That's besides the fact. The fact here is that the skirt is nowhere to be found.

Now, take a look at this breezy, sexy under garment photo. Again, I want to be in these. Not one item in this shot is available. At least two of the above three were. But I don't really want the navy zebra dress. I might be able to rock that jacket in a different color though.
I did see the tiered off-white tulle skirt/tu tu in the window at the mall the other day, which was promising. I am doubtful that I can pull that skirt off. I want to, but I simply cannot. I haven't completely lost my mind. I want to, but I simply cannot. Also, for fellow F21 (my nickname for the chain) shoppers...am I the only one that didn't know that XXII FOREVER is the same thing? Online and in the old stores the name was Forever 21, and in the logo in a totally different font. The store in the mall is all Roman font, with the roman numerals. How confusing. The web site also has the logo the old way. What gives?

By the way, the store in the mall here is massive, and so delicious. I want everything in there. However, I have only been in once. Every other shopper is shopping with her mom, or was given $40 by her mom to shop there. I am too embarrassed and old to be there. Hell, I won't even go into Hollister or A&F, much less this place. What? I like the tank tops for under stuff. Don't judge me. Therefore, I exclusively order online. I can't even imagine walking into a fitting room there. I do Delia's the same way--online. They also have a huge store in my local mall. Bah humbug.

The last time I went to H&M, which I thought I was still young enough to shop in, was awful. Nothing fit me (all too small of course), and one pair of jeans that I loved, were too small too. When I asked the girl for a bigger size, she said that was the largest they came in, and gave me the look that I've dreaded for the last few years. The, you are too old and too heavy to shop here look. Sob. I bought them anyway, and they did stretch, and fit now. The sale person in Via C in Nordstrom was all over me about them. I was proud to say they were purchased at H&M.

On the brighter side, I have identified the model in the web site images as the girl from The City (The Hills spin-off). I watch it for the clothes! Wink wink. See the big-eyed, small-mouthed anorexic above and below.