Liking Everything

This piece of artwork really struck me, because I think I would be a good recipient of this from someone. Maybe Trent?

When I look back to middle school and high school, I always think how I didn't care how anyone looked or acted, or if they were a nerd, or a cheerleader or not. Surprisingly, my high school was pretty tame in terms of teasing and certain kids hanging out with certain kids. No one was singled out too much, and I never paid any mind who was friends with who. I had my good friends, but I talked and was friendly with everyone. This goes back to my class presidential days, so of course, there are relations you need to keep up with your constituents that are vital to your administration working, but I won't bore you with the details of my office politics from the old days.

The point is, I never really never anyone. I pretty much liked everyone. In fact, one day in band class (yes, I was in band, we got to go to Europe so shut up), the band room was somewhat empty, and Matt Piritano, the best trumpet player the school had ever seen (I'm also pretty sure he was a genius who spent most of his downtime in an isolation tank), was fiddling in the brass section. You know, emptying out his spit valve, warming up his lips, that sort of thing. So, I hopped up there to visit. Anyone who was not a band nerd may not know that the flutes (me), sat in front, and the brass instruments sat way in the back. So, I never really got to visit up there much. That day, I went up, made casual conversation with him, and noted how I never really went back there. Every few days I'd chat with him, because we were always the first ones there, and it was awkward not to say anything after I had already gone up there, even though he was painfully shy, and really hadn't much to say. I had enough words for both of us, so I felt like I was reaching out to this shy intellect, and felt really great about my good deed.

A week or two later, Brett Tuminelli, a boy that was extremely annoying with one of those all-over red faces, started ranting very loudly near my locker that Matt and I were dating. It may have even been one of those, "Jen and Ma-att, dum dum dum da dum." I was puzzled. Huh? First of all, I had a boyfriend. He went to another school (because that's how I rolled), so not everyone would have known, but I made it pretty clear that I was not dating Matt. Where had this come from I wondered? Then, my friends started getting on me about being nice to guys who might take things the wrong way, etc. and I thought, could this guy have taken me coming over to chat as me liking him in that way? I guess so, because I'm pretty sure he told his friends I was in hot pursuit. Well, I was so embarrassed, and unsure what to do that I started to avoid him in class. It was the only way I could set things straight without it being super awkward. This is also how most high school issues were resolved, by ignoring it. Except when my field hockey teammate Vicky Tiase, who I would have called a semi-friend and my boyfriend Rob had a little affair while we were still dating, and I told the entire grade to hate on her and yell things about her large butt in the hallways (this was not me being nice as mentioned above, but I was a woman scorned). Anyway, I didn't want to march up there to Matt's riser and tell him we weren't dating, but I also didn't want him to continue taking me the wrong way. By the way, as a side note, this type of thing has happened to me on several occasions, and I never know why. One such incident caused a whole issue with someone I worked with taking our friendship the wrong way, and turning into a very awful and majorly awkward situation at work for a long time. Worst part is, I didn't/couldn't really tell anyone since my office is so small, so I had to just deal with the horribleness for months until he chilled. As another aside to that, I am the kind of girl that no man notices. I'm not stop-and-notice pretty, I have a terrible figure, my hair is thin and piecey, I have no confidence, and I almost always give a bad first impression to everyone I meet. However, I have had at least ten guy friends who have turned stalker on me after a period of time. I am not a flirt, and I make no physical advances on anyone. Trent says I just make guys feel at ease, and I touch people's arms a lot when I talk to them. This is how I get stalkers?

The thing with Matt passed, and it died down at school pretty fast, but a year and a half later, and I will never forget this, at our graduation, I asked him to sign my yearbook, and he wrote just this, "I've always loved you." Still warms my heart folks, still warms my heart.

Anyway, this whole thing is to prove a point that I no longer like people, especially new ones. As I've gotten older, I have less and less patience or acceptance of people in any capacity. I don't like the way they dress, how they say hi, the way they look at me, nothing. Why is this so? I used to be friends with everyone. I also feel like my attitude toward everything is jaded. I have nothing good to say about anything any more. You don't like my music? Or don't know who I listen to? You're dumb. You don't know what a Birkin is? You're dumb. You have colonial furniture in your house? You are so out of it. Is it intolerance? Insensitivity? My own insecurities? Is it the stalkers? Have they given me a distaste for people in general; things even? I think my dislike for things comes from laziness. Many people talk about not having time to do things, but for me it's not wanting to. I want a garden but I don't want to plant. I want the house clean, but I won't get on my hands and knees to do it. I want Lyla to eat better, but I don't prepare her meals ahead of time to ensure she eats good things. I want to be skinny but I'm eating Rita's and drinking olive oil 24/7.

This is a dilemma I must solve. Maybe I will get hypnotized into opening my heart and mind to new things so I might like them again. I'll tack that onto being hypnotized to stop spending all my money, and losing weight.