Videos not Photos

Since our camera broke down on Halloween, we have yet to take it to Best Buy for service (we have a warranty plan with them). We typically choose to just wait until we get so impatient we buy another one, so I presume that is what will happen with this as well. Therefore, I have tried my best to film Lyla in the absence of our camera. She wasn't having it for a while... every time she saw us with the vid, she would get very impatient and upset that it wasn't in her hands and she wasn't playing with it. However, she's warming up to being on camera again.

Lyla has surely taken a liking to music. She loves nursery rhyme songs, and acts them all out. She loves the "I'm a little teapot..." she really only does the "tip me over" gesture, but it's still pretty cute. I taught her a little Beethoven, and she has been really good about repeating the sounds, even on key. She gets better and better. I put the video on here with her repeating, but the repeat from her is very quiet, so you really need to turn it up to hear it.

I'm obsessed with hats for Lyla, and she hates most of them. On rare occasions, she'll let me put one on and she'll keep it on. This day, (below) she was so Audrey Hepburn in her skinny blacks and turtleneck, that I thought a beret was in order. She rolled with it. I'm all about the berets. Trouble is, they fall in her eyes a lot, so it ends up being a pain in the arse any way you look at it. Doesn't stop me though.



Christmas came early at the Walter household. We got Lyla a big old wood kitchen, and because it was so big, we had to just put it together (we, meaning Trent), and get in there. Lyla loves it. She's constantly whipping up food, and offering it to anyone who will taste. She's quite good at the mixing, not so fond of doing the dishes though. Must take after Dad. We spend a lot of time there now, and honestly, I like it as much as Lyla. I also put a vid of us in the kitchen, and the rounds we do in feeding multiple babies and ourselves with Lyla's cooking.

It's Been a Long Time Dum Dum

Now that this child is actually here, my previously often updated pregnancy blog has become a rarely updated mommy blog. I wish I could remember/had the time to update this more with all of the funny things Lyla does. I also don't keep a journal of it, which I know makes me a terrible parent, but to be honest I'm a terrible journal person. I have so much I want to say, and can't write fast enough. It's why I could never be a writer. I hate writing. I should just start recording the funny things Lyla does on a home video of myself. Right.
If there's one thing worse than hearing my own voice, it's seeing my own face on video.

Anyway, so much has happened since last I wrote mid October. Lyla is a crazy walker now. I mean she's everywhere. She's like one of the Incredibles, one minute she's in front of you the next she's sitting in her room on a bench.

She is also really bossy. In fact, the boss of everything. If she wants to walk all the way down the street, don't try to stop her or turn her around. Last Saturday, we were outside on the neighbor's lawn, and Lyla drifted off where the big kids were playing. She walked right through their game (they ignored her), picked up some gross sick kid's Capri Sun Lemonade, and in one swoop guzzled it down. I couldn't even reach for it fast enough. Then, when I tried to take it away, she about lost it. Same occurred when we brought her inside from her play. Same occurs 20 times a day when dangerous objects are handled, stickers are chewed, sodas are thrown from the fridge, etc. She's not fully understanding our need to take it away yet, she's really just flipping because she doesn't have it. It's a pretty interesting predicament. We went for a long walk at a local trail on Saturday morning, which was lined with colorful leaves--Lyla's fantasy land. Every five minutes, she grunted or said leaf, so we could pick up a new one for her to old with the 15 others in each hand. If she doesn't have a leaf or a flag in her hand, she ain't happy.
Yesterday, when we went to vote, of course, I couldn't find the damn flags. The one time it wasn't totally out of place for her to have them! In Fells Point on Sunday she had two flags, two leaves in each hand, and her Ugly Monster Moxy all at once. People were probably like, uh, can you help that kid out and take some of her stuff.

Lyla also has a newfound dislike for men. When one comes to the door, when one tries to man handle her, or sometimes even talk to her she either cries, or shakes her head warning them, no, I do not want to talk or partake in whatever it is your offering; be it smiles, funny faces, or your stupid jokes. Some freak man in NJ a few weeks ago wouldn't leave it alone. He just kept going in. We were like, she doesn't like to be touched by strangers. :0 He kept going in his pockets for dollars to give her. He finally gave her a penny or something. My Mom and I were wondering when this guy was gonna take a hint and press on, but he didn't.
Eventually, Lyla warms up to most, but you try to hit her up out the blue, and she wants nothing to do with it.

So, back to my reason for posting. It was Halloween last week, and I have some vids of Lyla prior to and on Halloween that amuse us. The night one was Lyla's first taste of a lollipop. You can't get the full grasp of her absolute love for this pop. I've never seen her enjoy anything as much as this Dum Dum.



Notice in the videos, how no one, including us assist Lyla as she tumbles down the hill, or gets roughed up by the boys. I think I had sipped a little too much spiked apple cider from the Wagner house. Luckily, she can hang!

Otherwise, Halloween was fun, Lyla enjoyed giving out the candy more than anything else. Our camera is broken so, I'm hoping our friends and neighbors send them to us. Fat chance.

Typical Night

Yes, a typical night in our house entails us following Lyla around and getting her to do stuff. She is a ripper now, and I wish I had most of her antics on film since she is all over the place now. Last night, Trent came home from work, and Jean and Lyla were strolling around the corner holding hands.

This was followed by our neighbors Bob and Sue kindly dropping off a pumpkin hat that Sue made for Lyla. Lyla is not digging male guests at our house lately, and proceeded to cry and refuse to walk during their visit. Let's hope she feels that way when she's 17.

This morning we headed over to my friend Erika's Mom's house in the neighborhood, and Lyla rolled in like it was her job to be there. All smiley to the girls, feeling right at home. She ripped all of Olivia's Play Doh creatures off the table (that were perfectly displayed I might add), and mashed them all together, rolled them in a ball, pushed them into the deck, whatever she could to destroy them. Then, she stole each and every one of Livi's Nilla wafers right out of her hand while she was eating them. This is all while she had her own supply. She also demanded to have Livi's straw cup (exactly the same as Lyla's) because hers had a dash of lemonade in it. I'll add that she gobbled a container of craisins while we were there. She was really putting it on. Dancing, talking, telling stories.

Lyla is Walking!

It's been a while since I've blogged because it's been busy around here. Blogging is truly a luxury folks, so hang in there.

Since I've last written, Lyla has started really waling. We always knew she could do it, but honestly, she chose not to. Crawling was so hip and cool, why walk? Once you start, you can't stop, so why rush it?

She got pretty good with pushing the shopping cart and baby stroller (after the procedure of kissing and hugging baby prior to putting her in the stroller, then a feed with the baby bottle is also necessary), so we knew walking independent of those toys would come soon. Next thing you know, she was zipping all over the place. She eats it a lot, and I can't believe her boney butt isn't all bruised up. I enjoy her walking, and it makes going to the park a lot easier. She used to go in a downward dog position, and crawl ith her butt high in the air, so she didn't scrape her knees on the concrete. She also did this at the pool, while kissing frog statues along the way. So, at least her pants and tights won't be trashed, and she won't be as filthy as she was a few weeks ago. I have put a few videos of her recent walks. Unfortunately, I took both of these right before she went to sleep, so she's a bit cranky in them. Leave it to me to torment the kid and fish for her to do all her tricks while she's falling asleep. That's what Moms are for.

Lyla is #1

Lyla turned numero uno last Thursday, August 21. She really did grow up in the last week. She is very mature and seasoned this week, whereas last week, she was still a wee baby. She is really talking now, not just saying random sh-t. Every night, she comes into the kitchen, and literally asks for crackers. She kisses everything, and even makes the mmm-wa sound when doing it. She is even warming up to walking. By that I mean, taking steps when forced because falling is the alternative.

We went for her year check-up, and she was major tall as usual, 31.5". Although our doc has an extremely inaccurate method of measuring her. Last time he said she was about the same height, and when we really measured her she was about four inches shorter. I think she is close to this height this time though. He had to take blood, and she really lost it. In fact, I had changed her diaper when we got there, and she soaked through it while he did the bloodwork. I had pee all over my jacket, jeans, and hands. It ended up all over the floor and doctor as well. It was crazy. Especially since I had JUST changed it. It didn't help that she drank like 5 oz. of milk and 4 oz. of water in the hour before the visit. Unfortunately, the Seventh Generation diapers aren't the best in the absorption dept. We had to get an ER pack of Pampers last week, and even though those things will be in a landfill for all of time, they fit like a damn glove, and nothing gets out of them. The SG's are like wearing a panty liner, if nothin's comin' out they're just super, and feel great, but when you flow they blow.

Back to the subject at hand, Lyla's big day. We did a mid-week celebration and my parents and nephew came for the affair. The real fun started when I made my poor mother stay up till all hours poofing paper flowers with me. There is no such thing as a small affair in my family. We eat big, we decorate big, and we stay up all night. I was ordering candy and coasters three months ago for this gig, and I still had 100 things to do last minute. For a party that included immediate family and a few friends and neighbors, it ballooned quickly.

My problem also lies in indecisiveness and liking too many different things. I'll look at a magazine, clip it, then find something else, and start combining and adding. Then I can't execute. I'm like this with furniture and decorating as well. I want to redecorate every week, move every week, paint every week.

Anyway, the party was a hit, Lyla was great, especially since she only slept about 30 minutes the whole day. Now, I don't have to plan another one of these until her super sweet 16, when I'll have her drive in on a Harley, or be air lifted out by a helicopter.

Chronicles of Lyla

I have put a few videos of Lyla up here to show all the nutty things she does. Although, she is still not acting on demand and on cue, through rigorous training she will perform on camera!

I jest of course.

We are trying our darndest to teach LC how to walk, but she really had little interest. She crawled pretty young, and I think she's gotten so good at it, she really has no need for walking. Why start over? Frankenstein steps, toppling over, who needs it. So, for any of you Moms from Meadowbrook keeping score, you've won, our kid won't walk by her 1st birthday. Blah. No matter, she's much smarter...she knows where her teeth and ears are, can make the sound of a lion, and says lovely words like duck, cracker, car car, and cock.

The Nanny Diaries

It has been nearly a month since my last update, but honestly, planning a birthday party for an immediate family birthday party is no easy chore. Don't feel bad that you weren't invited, no one was. We have decided that until Lyla is older, we are not going to torment everyone we know with an invite to our small house, with an even smaller backyard where none of your kids can do anything but cry until we have to. So, if you were invited, get ready to be annoyed.

Anyway, onto the subject at hand, our nanny search. We had to let our nanny go, and I won't go into the details in this blog, but it left us needing someone much faster than we anticipated. Luckily, a family friend Erin has saved us, and taken care of Lyla for the last two weeks. She is only available through this Wednesday, and therefore we had to kick the search into high gear.

Now, many of you know that we have has the WORST luck finding babysitters. Twice, two separate babysitters committed to a date, and never showed up, and didn't return any of my desperate calls at the time they were supposed to be at our house. The night of my birthday, we were frantically calling to get someone else, then, more recently, we had a birthday dinner (Leslie Wagner for those of you in the know) miss due to another no show. The girl was supposed to come over for a meet and greet (since she was from Craig's List I wanted to check her out first), and she didn't show up. I called her that night, and the next day, and when we spoke, she apologized profusely for the mistake, and said she had forgotten but was still on for the weekend. I told her to come 1.5 hours early to again, get to know Lyla. Well, she never showed. I called and called, and nothing. So, there we were dressed to the nines on a Saturday night, with no sitter. We were so embarrassed, and just pissed. We never heard from her again.

Fast forward to the nanny search. We used the same agency we used last time, and how it works is: they send you a bunch of candidates that they pre-screen (sort of), and then you take it from there.

The first batch had two candidates who didn't like dogs. The question reads: Do you like pets? One answered, "No, but I'll deal with it...and I'm allergic" Now, if you were a dog owner, would you even call this person? Filo barks 10 hours a day, so if you don't like dogs, and can't deal with the most over-protective dog on earth, then "dealing with it" probably isn't going to cut it sister soldier.

Most of the applicants said they couldn't swim, which seemed odd at first, but I had to get over some stuff. Lyla floats in 4 feet of water, so swimming isn't necessarily required, but could be critical in saving her life. So, that was a tough call.

Then, there are the nannies who either didn't get a reference from their last job (red flag), or believe it or not, the reference was given, but the family said they wouldn't hire her again. One woman said she was great with the kids, and they loved her, but she didn't think the nanny liked her personally, so she wouldn't hire her again? WTF?
One found the nanny looking for another job on their computer. I mean really? If you are looking for a new job, are you using your employer's computer to do this?

So, down to it. We had two in-person interviews, and a few phone interviews. Jean and June came in person. We really liked both of them, but June divulged that she doesn't drive on any highways, and that her car ('89 Volvo) isn't equipped or insured for a child. Hmm. So, my child, who you are caring for every day, that may have to go to the hospital cannot ride in your car? Odd. Then she told me that after taxes, and expenses, she would only have $7.00 left for the month, and she wasn't sure if she could manage it. I was feeling uneasy for leaving myself only $1,000 to spend at will on shoes, (my attempt to put all my money into Trent's account is still experimental) and this woman is trying to spread $7.00? Why even show up for the interview if that's the case though. If she wanted more money, and we weren't offering it, just stay home and save me the two hours of time I could have been watching back episodes of Flipping Out or Tori and Dean. Sheesh.

Then there was Jean. Oh Jean Jeanny. She lives in the country, has sleepovers with her family's kids at her house, and offered to make us dinner. Now, when I mentioned Lyla was on an all organic diet, she looked at me with the clear misunderstanding of what that even was. She absolutely could not believe I made all her food. I figured a country gal such as herself would have been growing her own Gilligan's Island style veggies, drinking her own cow's milk, and roasting pigs on a spit in the back, all without the harm of preservatives and pesticides but that is not the case. Anyway, she was great with Lyla, and during her working interview even better. We were just hesitant to hire the only one that seemed normal.

So, we decided to interview a few others, just to know that Jean was the one. This led to babysitter nightmare part deux. Two out of the three new candidates didn't even return my calls. Mind you, this is after they tell the agency that they are interested in the position, and agree to the requirements we set forth ahead of time. I was holding out for Faith this woman who had great experience, and stunning references. The family said they were crying when they said goodbye, best nanny in the world, the whole deal. She never returned any of my three calls. I would say it was me, but all I say is that I got their name from the network, and if they can call me back, etc. I'm not even being my normal, obnoxious, semi-offensive or foot in my mouth self.

Finally, the third chick Frances calls me back. Something about her I wasn't sure about. Then we chatted, and even though her voice was creepy, I agreed to interview her in person. She asked all about the hours, and I made sure I told her we lived near Towson, since she was at the state line, and this could have been of issue. No, no she said, hours are fine, location is fine. Well, 8:30 this morning comes and goes, and she never shows up. Yes, I said it. I call her at 9:30 and leave a message for her. She calls me back at noon saying she thought about it, and leaving at 6:30 p.m. and driving all the way home is just not going to work. So, I have wasted my time doing a phone interview with her, re-arranged our morning schedule to meet with her, and waited around, and she calls at noon to say it's not going to work. Thanks Frankie, for your timely response. I wanted to call her back to tell her to shove it up her arse, but part of me was glad since she sounded like she lived in a cave anyway.

So, we offered the job to Jean. We didn't settle cuz we really liked her, but we couldn't wait and compare even if we wanted to. She was also the only professional one of the bunch. Showed up on time, followed up, loved Lyla. She was happy to accept, and she starts in two days. I just need to ask her to discontinue the application of her perfume which made me physically ill at her first interview. For those of you who don't know, I have a terrible aversion to fragranced lotions, perfume, deodorant, shampoo, etc.

Onward and upward I say.

Anyone have a babysitter?

Lyla Talking and Eating Phone

Hey folks. Just a quickie before I take off, and we pack our entire house into the Volvo and take off for OC for the 4th.

I am drinking a vente, the Starbuck's lame equivalent of large coffee (don't even say your smack about Starbucks, I agree, but it wasn't my choice, my co-workers brought it back for me, so I'm forced to drink it), which I just found out is NOT decaf. For those of you who don't know caffeine's effect on me...let me enlighten you. Unless I'm drinking fabulous cold brewed coffee from a Toddy or Atwater's Market, then I will be plagued with horrible stomach aches and pains for hours to come. It is also likely that I will be parked on the toilet indefinitely. Both of these issues won't help me in the second half of my four hour meeting today where I am on video conference with clients and co-workers on the west coast. The other thing about caffeine is it truly does keep me up. I was addicted to chai teas for a while, but it took several months for me to put it together that they were keeping me up all night, and that there was a reason for my desire to do aerobics at 10:00 p.m. I don't know what kind of crazy pill they're crushing and putting into the teas at Common Ground in Hampden, but I'm like a sleepwalking binge eater on Ambien when I have them. Restless, hungry, agitated.

Anyway, I thought I'd post a video of the Lyla Bean. It's been a while, and even though there is nothing too crazy in this video, it is a perfect example of Lyla doing her thing. She just makes me laugh while she entertains herself, barely paying any attention to me. Although if you filmed as much as me, you'd ignore me too. She isn't walking yet, but she is managing to stand on her own pretty well. Normally, I'd let her figure it out, but she was dangerously close to hitting her head on the corner of our table, so I assisted. No, I don't gasp every time she falls. In fact, I need to start paying attention more. We were at a friend's house a few weeks ago for happy hour, and Lyla was riding on this Dora-mobile. I looked away for two seconds to grab my wine (forget that), and she was rolling off of it head first. Luckily, she rolled with it, and I was caught only by Trent.

She isn't too interested in taking steps (except massive ones when forced to play our walking games), but she does enjoy standing, staring, and playing.

She's all growsed up.

My Manolos

So, I'm in love with Sarah Jessica Parker. I know guys think she's a horse face, and she's so little in every way, which usually creeps me out, but since I've never seen her in person, I go on thinking she's my height. Even back in 1985 when Girls Just Wanna Have Fun came out, I idolized her. Square Pegs--well, not so much. Anyway, I, of course was a huge Sex and the City fan, and wanted to own every outfit she wore on the show. In my world, I also assume I will look the same as she does in it. I had a secret fixation with getting a tutu to wear it much like the opening scene of the show, but at least had the sense to know in reality I would not be able to pull this off.

I may be making that mistake again, but I have ordered the very blue Manolo Blahniks featured in the movie. I'm still not sure where I'll wear these yet, since I can't just throw them on with a pair of boy shorts like SJP does with every shoe. In fact, on anyone but her these shoes may look like Dyeables, the very gross and very uncomfortable shoes you get forced to wear to match someone's hideous bridesmaid dress or your electric blue prom dress. Yes, ladies and gentleman, my maids had to dye, but let me say, this is before you could just wear gold or silver shoes with stuff. I don't even think they were available then. So, shut it. If I were getting married again, which I very much want to do since I ended up hating my botched dress, that I would wear these shoes!

You may think I'm crazy, but really I'm buying a piece of history. Lyla will some day get these shoes. Maybe she'll wear them to her wedding. I loved my Moms shoes and dress. Of course, I could never fit my fat ass into her size 2 dress, but that is another matter. I've recently started saving nicer pieces of clothing and shoes for my little fashionista. I know it's all so Lauren Hutton of me, but some things just shouldn't be cast off. A few things have memories, and credit card bills associated with them, so I have to save them. One day, when I have a huge walk-in closet where I drink martinis in my underwear and smoke long cigarettes to the sound of Judy Garland's drunken/drug-induced melodies, I will look upon the treasures I have saved, and maybe even wear them again.

Until then, I will instead shove them into my ridiculously small bar I call a closet, with no rhyme or reason. My wedding dress is squashed between a pair of tuxedo pants from about '98 and a pair of fancy jeans with a promise note that I will fit into them again some day again, and to just be patient. Sometimes things go in there, and come out with tags still on six months later.

So, please free to send your photos and suggestions as to what I can wear my life savings with. I will post your suggestions right here on this blog. Maybe we'll even vote. This blog is starting to get really sophisticated.

Comings and Goings

I am back from my recent trip to NJ to meet my new niece Piper Grey Berkowitz. She was nine pounds, 12 ounces. A little bruiser just like my own. Here is a shot of her in the nursery getting the business done by one of the nurses. She's a real cutey, and holding her brings me back folks, it really does.

Lyla didn't get to meet her because they only allow siblings in. So, we tag teamed in and out to entertain the wee bean while we tended to the wee-er bean. She had a grand old time in the hospital waiting room. As you can see by the picture, she was laughin' it up with the expecting grandparents. This is all a good thing, because the week before Miss Lyla decided to give up bottles completely. She refused any bottle, at any time. We've been weening for a while now, but she quit cold turkey on us. She would wail at the site of it. So, we were just feeding her, and giving her YoBaby to supplement for the ba. Doc said she'd be fine, and that after a week she'd probably take the bottle back. We felt better, but it had been so hot, and Lyla also wanted nothing to do with any sippy cup. I think I'd bought every one on the market. Finally, we gave her a straw cup (thank you Leslie Wagner), and she gulped it down like Bear Grylls in the Serengeti. For a week, she was hogging food, just stuffing it in. Then, suddenly, she cried with the food instead, wanting the damn bottle. Just like that the tables turned back, and now she's all about the bottle again. A little too much now. Can't win. I also think she's either teething, or a little under the weather this week, because upon our return from NJ she's been a bit fussy most of the day, which is totally unlike her. She usually fights through anything, but she's been a real baby the last few days. Meal times are a crap shoot. She's either smiling and giggling, or in hysterics. Last night, our painter came, and at the site of him she went nuts. I don't know what it is about him that sends her off the deep end, but it's something. Then she screamed through the feeding of bananas and rasberries (usually her fave dessert). There were rasberries all over her, me, Filo, and the wall. I was feeling a bit fluish anyway, so hauling her in and out of the high chair was quite an undertaking last night. I'm hoping it's the teeth, or a passing virus, and not the start of a trend. We've been blessed with this unbelievably happy, good kid, I don't want her to go Chuckie on me now. Especially since we're trying to get a new babysitter. Which reminds me that last night, the second babysitter in a row flaked. The first one, never called or showed up the night of my birthday when she was supposed to sit. This new one was supposed to come last night to meet Lyla before babysitting tomorrow, and she never came. I left her a vmail last night, and an email today, and I haven't heard anything. What the H? What's wrong with these people?

Back to Lyla

Since this blog is supposed to center around Lyla, I will pull away from my recent rant regarding robbery.

Lyla is moving quickly into kidhood. She is truly no longer a baby. She crawls, and picks herself up to a standing position, and even side-steps. Yesterday, she was tackling stair climbing. She's like a boy, fearless. I have a feeling dainty dolls and tea parties aren't in her future. If she takes after her mother she'll be playing bricks in the dirt or racing bikes with the boys down the street. Fortunately, she doesn't have an older brother like mine who ran over me on his bike at the trails down the street from our house when I was assigned to find him for dinner. Sometimes, the regular routine of screaming down the block for your kid didn't always work, and the young sibling was sent to fetch the others.

I always try to catch her doing her funny stuff on camera, but she goes WB on me every time. I have included a few of her recent doings, but you have to wait it out until the end before she gets to it.

Oh, the humanity.

No, I'm not talking about the Hindenburg burning, but my street going to pot. Last Monday my car got robbed. I say robbed, not broken into because it wasn't locked. Normally, this would be another thing I forgot to do being me, but actually Trent went to grab the Chick Fil'A that I bought out of the car, and didn't lock the doors. I can't blame him. One whiff of that chicken sandwich would send anyone into a daze.

My stuff was all over the car, and I could see they went through the glove box and consoles. They only got an old iPod, our Garmin, some CDs, and some wires and change. I know these must have been punk kids, because anyone with any sense of what had value and saw the Bugaboo in the back, would have gone straight for that! That's what I would have taken. I also had a purse with the receipt in it in the back, but I'm guessing they didn't want to go through the trouble of returning it, and
potentially getting caught. As a sidebar, when I returned it the next night, I showed her the receipt and she said, "Don't worry I trust it's you." So, robber, if you are reading this, you could have taken and returned it to South Moon Under in Towson, no problemo.

All in all, I felt pretty good nothing big was taken, and that they didn't have to break my windows to get to my precious Baby Einstein's Driving Songs CD (which they took).

However, the very next night we were awoken around 12:45 a.m. by what sounded like a car with a dragging muffler and a back firing problem. Trent jumped out of bed, and looked out the window. Turns out, they were smashing back windshields and mirrors up the entire street. All of our neighbors were outside trying to exchange siting stories, what happened to their cars, and report it all to the police. I think they got about 10 cars on our street alone. They also hit two other surrounding neighborhoods that night, and it sounds like they were doing more car and basement robberies in the houses. It was pretty shocking, considering we all leave our doors open all the time, and rarely lock-up even on walks. Well, let's just say the place has been like Fort Knox since last week.

The whole neighborhood is trying to solve the case, and I'm sure someone will be planning a Take Back the Night rally within days. This may end up initiating my first appearance at our community association's meeting(s). They probably staged the whole thing just to get people to show up to talk about lawn ornaments. Apparently, their threatening newsletters weren't enough.

Why are Women Such A-Holes?

Lyla completed her fourth week of "swimming lessons" today, and honestly, I don't know if I can bring myself to go back (two more weeks left). Today was a bit different than other hectic days going to class...Lyla woke up, and while a bit groggy at first, was pretty smiley and happy. I fed her a bottle, but I had extra time today, so I was feeling better about the digestion period. Lyla talked and smiled the whole way to class, happily got changed, etc. so I thought it was going to be a great day like our first class. Uh, no.

As we step into the pool, Lyla immediately clutches me as if I'm going to throw her from the high dive. Now, they were saying the pool was much cooler than normal because the heater wasn't working properly, but I'm unsure this had anything to do with it. She wasn't crying, but whining a bit. It's hard to understand honestly. If you saw this kid the first class, you'd think she was born in a birthing center somewhere in the Valley in SoCal right in a tub. She absolutely loved it. Since then, not lovin' it. The other thing is, Lyla rarely cries or clutches to me. She's just not like that. So, when she hold on to me for dear life, I'm wondering, what the heck changed?
I still think it has a lot to do with it occurring right after her nap/bottle, but she does everything else after the bottle (like thrust up and down repeatedly for 30 minutes, swing upside down, crawl) with no issue.

Anyway, for the first five minutes of class she was a bit loud, and while I was hoping she'd be laughing and enjoying swimming rather than almost crying, I rolled with it. What am I gonna do? I pulled myself out of the circle so people could focus on the teacher, and so we wouldn't cause a real distraction (even though she was barely even making a fuss). As I do this, a few of the Mom's follow me with their eyes (not with friendly, I've been there smiles either), turn around to watch me float away, and are giving me looks as if I we were disrupting the wedding of Charles and Camilla. I whispered a few, "sorry, she usually loves the water" at a few, but that only led to more looks of disbelief that this child could actually like the water.

Now, this lasted maybe five minutes total, and then Miss Lyla, ever resilient came around and was eventually laughing and flitsing about with the others. However, she was still a bit on edge when it came for splashing and dunking. The first incident occurred when a lady said, ,"I better stay out of her way," which I sheepishly brushed off hoping she was joking.

Then, this jackass mother, who I haven't liked from the start, sees me, and stands directly in front of me, and starts whisking her kid back and forth in front of Lyla. Her kid is kicking and splashing water in her face, and she starts to lose it again. I'm looking at this woman like, you have to be kidding me right?

I try to remain nice, move away from her and say, "Whoops, we're getting splashed, let's glide over here." She proceeds to make bigger dips in the water with him, as if she's somehow (believe it or not) showing off that her kid is just going in and out of the water without issue. Now, this kid is also a lot older than Lyla (Lyla is the youngest in the class--there's one other baby, a nine month old), so I would expect he can do a lot more too. At this point, I'm pissed, and I really just dart her a look, and leave it.

Needless to say, Lyla was fine, and happily ended class with a goldfish in hand and a smile on her face depite the comments of others (who all hang with each other).

After class this woman says to me, "You should try another class, maybe the 9." I had previously mentioned to her that this class is not at an ideal time, but her tone was not appreciated, especially after the pool bit. I don't know why I end up explaining that her nap is 9-10:30 or longer, and with travel it's always a rush, but I know she loves the water, but the 9:00 wouldn't work either, blah, blah, but I do say this, and she just says, "Maybe you should practice in the bath tub." and walks away.

First I'm thinking, you're a total bitch, and who the H do you think you are telling me what to do and when to bring her to class. I mean, it's not like she had a complete meltdown in class. The child cried for a few minutes, and most of it was quiet. Then, I'm thinking, how is the bath tub going to help this situation? She loves the tub, always has. Is she going to practice getting kicked and splashed in the face repeatedly at home in our tub? Probably not. Finally, I thought about how nothing this woman says makes sense, she's just a jerk who thinks she owns the Getting Wet class, which is obviously the most important place for all of us to be on our very best behavior. It's not just her either, the Moms are all cliques who only talk to each other, and treat any new person like she were David Greene from School Ties--the guy who comes to the stobby prep school his senior year who never paid his dues, got hazed, or in his case told his classmates he was Jewish. Did it really matter guys? Well, regardless of religion in this particular instance (I think), I'm the David Greene of Getting Wet.

To go back--two weeks ago another girl in the class, who is also newer (the girl who stalked me in this Blog's swim class video) asked one of the elite group a question about strollers in the locker room, and one of the queen bees told her to ask the teacher, and just kept talking to the other groupies. I overheard, and told her about the stroller policy there, and the queen bee jumped back in and said how she doesn't care and brings the stroller in anyway. I remember at the time thinking, why wouldn't you just answer her question in the first place, especially when you're putting your fat mouth back in it anyway, but I didn't think too much about it. Now, after this, I'm remembering that today's jacko lady was in this group, and I'm probably on the outs with them for helping the other newbie. By the way, the newbie hasn't been back to class since. This may sound like a bunch a bunk, but I'm piecing it all together now, and doin' some figurin' about these ladies. I feel like I'm in the Net, and I'm the only one that knows the truth. Poor newbie. They got rid of her, and now they're trying to get me out. Despite my earlier sentiment...ladies and gentleman I will prevail.

Tanning Anyone?

I am pasty-ass white by nature. My shins are almost blue I'm so pale. I'm also the person who applies any version of sunscreen and comes away with streaks, hand prints, and embarrassing lines all over my red and white body. Since I got pregnant my sensitivity to the sun is also much worse. I have a lot of splotchy sun spots and pigmentation issues, so I've about given up on my once childhood crush called the sun.

We are headed to a wedding this weekend, and I decided to remedy my calamity, I decided to book myself an appointment at Elizabeth Arden (darling) to tan me right up. The procedure is called the St. Tropez Body Bronzer. Basically, you strip down buck naked, and let a technician slather you with brown paint until you appear tan. I asked a number of seat-sinker, inappropriate questions as usual, but I had to know how this would effect me. In one hour I was done, and at the moment I left I looked a bit scary. She told me it goes on streaky, and would remain that way until I showered. Last night I looked like I had just come in from off-roading in my dune buggy. It just looked dirty. I went to bed reluctant that this would be any better than the orange striped tan I gave myself from Neutrogena last summer (Corba sisters can attest it was a tranny mess).

But low and behold, after my shower this morning, all of the streaks rolled down the drain, and I looked like I was really tan a week ago, and the leftover but still cool tan remained. You know that tan girls. Can I hear a Heyyyyyy! Anyway, it is the perfect color now, and you can't even tell it's painted on. I am astonished and amazed. Problem is, every day it washes away more. It is supposed to last five days (which seems short to me for the price), which will just get me to the wedding! Blast.

I was not able to take Lyla to swimming class this morning because of it (since the long stay in the water and chlorine work against St. Tropez' wonderous powers). That stinks, but I was secretly relieved not to have to drag Lyla out of bed, force feed her, and speed to the pool for once. Even the boys I work with who didn't even notice my hair cut from shoulder length, to full-on Mia Farrow noticed my color. Steve even said my hair looked lighter (which I had dyed two weeks ago). I would take a photo, but because I am so unphotogenic, I will not open myself up to the inevitable side talk about me that will occur when seeing my pic inserted into this blog!

So, now all I have to do is avoid long soaks in water (sorry bath--I hate bathing in your scum of me anyway), sweating profusely (sorry workouts), and exfoliating (sorry facialist--Miss Arden's orders).

Now to end the grossness of this account, I will leave you with vids of our girl.
The first two are us tormenting Lyla with 1. a heinous headband that came with some outfit someone gave us 2. her sunhat that no longer fits her sputnik head.

The third is Lyla swinging away in the dining room--her favorite pre-bedtime activity. She has begun swinging much more than actually bouncing, but all are equally funny to watch.


P.S. The table is farther away than it looks. We're not so bad.

Going Green Makes Me Blue

Let me just tell all of you that going green ain't easy. We do a bit to prevent Lyla from suffering the toxic effects of plastic, cotton, and bleach, but geez, when I started really trying to make a switch, it is daunting, and frightening. I bought this book called Organic Baby: Simple Steps for Healthy Living, and let me tell you it's worse than watching Dead Ringers (one of three movies that ever gave me nightmares; the other two are The Shining and that freak Lisa Bonet/Micky Rourke movie Angel Heart).

The book outlines all of the toxins in our every day baby necessities like diapers, wipes, toys, and even rugs. I always think twice about the gross plastic excersaucer living in my basement, and the waste of having three bouncer/rockers (at least I gave them away after Lyla was donezo--which the book says to do if you must partake in the poison that is plastic), but across the board it looks like grim! About the only thing simply broken down about any of her toys is their primary colors. So, Lyla goes on sucking away and the impossibly landfill-destined toys, is diapered daily by chlorine bleach dyed, and petroleum-heavy products, and sleeps on an off-gassing toxic mattress every night (we have since ordered an organic mattress).

Now, a word about the diapers. We are big fans of Seventh Generation products, and have tried their chlorine-free diapers, but they fit like a pair of True Religions. They are so low-slung, and barely absorbent. In fact, I think they are made of brown napkins. Then I bought gDiapers, which are biodegradable and compost(able). The first day I had to tell our nanny Jess that she would have to put an outer shell/panty on with an insert of the actual diaper into the nylon inner pocket. Then, when full, she would have to take the diaper apart in pieces, and feed it one piece at a time with a poker (provided courtesy of gDiaper)into our low flow toilet. Needless to say the toilet clogged the very first day, and I wasn't about to ask her to bury it in the backyard. So, we're back on Pampers, but I might try the g's this weekend again just to take a crack at it. If Julia Robert's (staff) can handle them, so can I. And since Oprah loves Julia Roberts, the whole world should use these, since everyone does what Oprah says. I actually think that the gDiaper manual is on her book club list.

Even onesies are cotton which is bleached with harsh chemicals unless they are made of organic cotton, which I try to get as much as possible, but they're certainly not at Janie and Jack my favorite haunt. They know me as Mrs. Walter there. Sad.

Curtains, those crunchy ends of toys that kids love, every plush toy: made of polyester, worst offender.

Oh, your upholstered chairs, same fibers as your death mattresses.

New furniture, hardwood floors? Coated with harmful varnishes. This is the one time having antique furniture has helped us! Now all we have to worry about is the splinters and lead paint it emits. Ha.

The list goes on...and as I made mine, it was pretty long in the catastrophic categories of my delightful new book. Hooray green...

Points Against Us
1. Anything plugged in her room (humidifier, baby monitor, iPod player)
2. More plush toys made of polyester than you can think of
3. Exersaucer, play mat, dinosaur with plastic balls, high chair
4. Disposable diapers
5. Dr. Boudreax's, Johnson&Johnson shampoo, Mustele Barrier Cream all contain phthalates (cut out lotions and never used powder)Didn't know this at first, so they are now bannedHowever, I blame all of those reading this blog for giving me these items at my shower! Damn you mothers!
6. Diaper Genie-Need I say More?
7. 80% of her clothes are not organic
8. 50% of her sheets are not organic
9. For the first three months we used Pampers Diaper wipes
10. All paint in the house has VOC (Ralph and Martha didn't get the memo from Al Gore yet)

Points For Us
1.Curtains made of bamboo or linen (renewable fabrics)
2.Everything Lyla eats is organic/50% is homemade
3.Aquafor is what I slather on her sensitive bottom 90% of the time
4.50% of her toys are wood, or organic cotton...and we try to limit the number of toys (as my book says, live simply)
5.The rug she sits and plays on every day is flokati (sustainable, animal and environment friendly product)
6.BPA-free bottles, sippy cups, and bowls
7.Organic wipes, detergent, (now) shampoos,and maybe we'll give the g's another go
8.Awareness

Ok, #8 is weak, but I try! So, our minuses outweigh the plusses I can think of, but we're working on it. Geez.

Lyla Goes to the Pool

So, this morning was Lyla's first day at "Get Wet" at Meadowbrook Pool here in Baltimore-- Home of Michael Phelps for any of you keeping score. I was frantic at the house trying to get her there, and for the first I felt like one of the Moms in commercials and movies that is running through her house with a bottle in one hand, the baby in the other, keys everywhere, stuff flying all over the place. I swear, when my nanny got there, she was probably like, what the H E double hockey sticks (cuz she would say that) happened here? The reason is, the lessons are at 11. Lyla typically naps from 9ish to 10:30 or later. Today, I took her for a walk to help my big fat ass, and of course to bond with my daughter, and we didn't get home until 9:20. So, I flew upstairs to put her down, and she zonked. Well, she wasn't even close to being up at 10:15, so I was trying to make noise to wake her up without waking her up! She eventually did wake up, and I had to feed her ASAP. Now Lyla is a girl who likes to take time with a meal. She looks around, take the bottle out, puts it back in... all at her leisure (pronounced lezzzhhhure). She's not trying to chug it by any means. Today was no different, she was bent backwards, laughing, watching Filo, and all sorts of non-drinking bottle type stuff. We got through half the ba before I had to get her ready.

Of course the bathing suit I got her just fits (9-12 months and she is 8 months next week). So, I'm trying to pour her into it, and get easily taken off clothing on over it. Well, she takes a little dumper right then, and I have to re-start, then reorganize the swimmy diaper, the suit, the whole nine again. By this point I'm sweating. I whiz back downstairs, give her another five on the bottle and roll.

I get to the swim club at 11:05 or so, and meet Trent. He is in charge of videotaping the event, and I am in charge of actually exposing myself in a bathing suit, mingling with the Moms, and ensuring Lyla's life aquatic doesn't end in disaster. I've obviously missed the intros, and any sort of direction on whether I need to ease the wee child into the water, or just take the plunge and wing it! I just take the steps in, and Lyla immediately loves it. She starts kicking her legs like nuts, and smiling all over. She couldn't have been happier. This is very good. I popped into the circle of parents and kids (ages 6 months to 3 years old is the range they allow), and I was right next to a Mom who's son was seven months. This made me feel better since all the other kids were older. I thought she was going to be my new best friend, but she just stared at me most of the time, and didn't offer much in terms of fun or conversation about this blessed event. Plus, she had some weird "Mom" bathing suit on, and maybe a bun, so I knew we could never be BFFs. She's the one in the vids next to me. Lurking. Maybe because Lyla is about three times the size of her son, and she can't believe they're the same age? Who knows. I even brought some cards to give to all my other new friends at class, but it seems they all already knew each other, and they definitely didn't associate with the newbie who didn't know EVERY verse to the swim club remix of Wheels on the Bus, or any child outside their kid's age bracket. Whatev.

Anyway, Lyla was a joy, and I can't wait to see what we do next week. Today we dunked under the water a few times. As you can see in the vid, I just pop her under, but Miss Annie held her under longer. I was scared stiff to do it, but Lyla didn't seem to mind at all. The teacher was much more at ease. Daddy was very proud!

The Blog is Back!

Due to a popular vote, the Walter Bean is being resurrected. Now, I can post Lyla's photos on every free site on the Internet including this one. Well, I'll try to stick to videos and the "best of" photos for this spot, and keep my spam to photos only. How's that? If you wanna know what's happening in our crazy little world, you're just gonna have to visit every week.

Anyway, it's been since July since I posted. It's crazy that I was talking about having the baby, and feeling big and uncomfortable and all that crap. Now, I have a baby, and am still talking about being big, just for other reasons (more on that topic in a later post).

Lyla is now almost eight months old, and I cannot believe how time has flown. I'll sum it up by saying she is a dollface, and I just adore her. She sleeps, she eats, she poops (but not too much), and she thinks I'm the cat's nightgown. She laughs at me, I laugh at her. We talk about boys, our favorite pureed fruits and veggies, and reducing our carbon footprints. We've really become quite the BFFs. Although, she is currently in love with her father, which is just fine too. She lights up when he comes in the room, and this is also a joy for me too. I love the love.
She plays yuck yuck with his nose (Trent rubbing his nose on her belly then says yuck yuck while he wipes it all off on her belly) and this causes an eruption of laughter. It happens to make us laugh just about as hard. She's also been climbing over the couch arm as of late where she proceeds to rock in downward dog, and lick and blow raspberries on the leather. Another odd, yet comical act of hers.

She's been doing so many things that amaze us (which is everything since we've never had a kid before, so everything new is so new!). She has been doing some G.I. Joe style crawling the last few weeks, which has started going into a hands and knees rock, and this morning that rock turned into a few crawly steps. We were freaking. Lyla crawling means us baby proofing our very antiquey, very splintery furniture and furnishings. Our deathtrap cocktail table in the living room is being replaced in about two weeks, and the string of low hanging mirrors in the dining room is next. Lyla has also been suprising us with her blocking the monitor during naps. We used to see a nice, small sleeping baby in there. Now, it's her sitting up with her "HUGE HEEEEED" in front of the lens. Scary as well. She's also been doing a lot of yapping. Last night she said Bob. Not intentionally of course. Just came on out. She most says random stuff, and a lot of, "Da da da da da". I like to say I taught her this a few months ago, but it is the sound most kids make all the time, so whatev. We would also like to say it is Da da, as in father, but it sounds more like Dah (rhymes with Fa, the note). She also only whispers this, never says it out loud. Very funny.

We take lots of vids, which I don't always email, so I'll post them here is I can remember. My memory is that of my 96-year old grandmother. Maybe worse. She is able to remember the shopping list of things she needs (like Nips, Sambuca, individually wrapped tissues, etc.), whereas I cannot. It is really, really bad. Actually, worse than it was when I was pregnant. I have NO idea where I put things five minutes ago. I have started taking more notes than anyone you'll ever know. I have Outlook, a date book, five note pads, post-its all over my desk at work, and then I leave it all there, and have no idea what I need to do. I've been on two conference calls this week 30 minutes prior to the scheduled time, I lost my keys once (they were in Lyla's stroller), and I've left my coffee in its handy travel coozy on the table by the front door twice as well.

On the same note, my awareness is off too. I was telling Trent how I was on the phone with the Audi dealership for about ten minutes yesterday trying to figure out why my recollection of maintenance visits and mileage didn't match up to my car, when she finally said to me, "You are referring to the 2006 Audi A4 Avant, right?" This is when I realized I was not actually talking to the Volvo dealership.

Otherwise, life is grand! Ha. We're busy bees, and the spring is no different. So, until I start updating "My Life as a Mommy" entries, I will leave you with this vid of LCW doing her thing.