Burning Down the House

As the months progress, my forgetfulness and confusion thicken. Last week, two girls (Missy and Chollada)from the west coast office spent the week here in Baltimore. My only responsibility on Friday night was to drive them to the train station to catch their evening train to NYC.

Well, the trip started off with me taking the wrong exit, and having to u-turn all the way around after a short stint in the complete shit of Baltimore (as in, were you in the shit in Vietnam?). Now, with Baltimore recently being named the second deadliest city in the U.S., you can understand why I wouldn't want to spend much time on the wrong side of highway. The girls had dealt with my cluelessness all week, so this was nothing different.

Upon finally arriving at the train station, I pull into the designated drop-off area, and quickly jump out to help unload the luggage. I had Trent's car because he took mine to drive friends to the U.S. Open. So, I can't figure out how to open the hatch, and I keep pressing the unlock button (thinking there is only one button to both lock/unlock the car). Not thinking, I press lock, and shut the door. How this 2007 Audi allows you to lock the doors with the keys in the ignition is still a mystery, but it did indeed allow me to lock my keys, purse, cell phone, and all the girl's luggage in the vehicle. Shit.

I take the advice of the drunk cab driver behind us, and alert the train police. He grabs a slim jim, and I think our problems are solved. Well, he would have to rip all the rubber weather coating to get in, and even then couldn't guarantee the unlocking of an electronic lock. Shit.

After many minutes of contemplation, I realize we have spare keys at our house. With my keys locked in the car, we know our next task is to get home, and break into the house. So, I leave the cop to watch my car as well as Missy as collateral. We use the $21 Chollada has in her purse to get a cab to our house, and flee the cab quickly since we pretty much stiffed him on the tip.

I go to Ryan and Leslie's house (friends that live across the street) to access our spare key. Eureka!
No. None of the spare keys they have fit in our door. As Ryan travels back and forth trying keys, Cho and I are thinking. The night before I had shut and locked the front windows, but luckily, in my stupidity, I didn't lock the smaller side windows.

So, we could actually open the windows with no problem. The issue was, these are small windows. Cho and I rock, paper, scissorsed it to decide who would crawl in. (Actually she completely volunteered, but it sounds better the other way). Then, we try to negotiate what position is best to go in: head first or feet first. I end up insisting she go head first. As she slithered through, I'm holding her ankles, and Filo is at the other end wagging away, and licking her face. Nice guard dog. He barks at neighbors closing their doors ten doors down, but openly welcomes any intruder.

I find the spare keys, and we're ready to return to the city to save the day. I now have to proposition Ryan to drive us there. He and his son Collin selflessly conceded, and we were on our way. When we got there, they had changed the whole traffic pattern getting in since my car was basically blocking any incoming traffic. There were barricades, cones, you name it.

I popped out, and sucked up to the cop once again, who actually couldn't have been nicer. I felt as if I gave him a significant case to oversee since I don't think they get much action at the train station. He seemed proud as a peacock to be in charge of the whole mess. I thought about tipping him, but wasn't sure if that was legal.

The girls missed their train, but luckily got on another without issue. I immediately went home to end the fiasco. Then, proceeded to leave the burner of the stove on from that night through about 5:00 the next day. Trent came home to find it on. At least it was only on simmer!

Other than the normal brain issues this week, I've only managed to burn a bag of microwave popcorn to complete oblivion in the office. It sent billows of yellow smoke throughout the kitchen, and down the halls of the building. The microwave itself was completely yellow, and looked like it got a good dose of radiation. It would have only topped the cake if the fire sprinklers went off. Good times.