Burning Down the House

As the months progress, my forgetfulness and confusion thicken. Last week, two girls (Missy and Chollada)from the west coast office spent the week here in Baltimore. My only responsibility on Friday night was to drive them to the train station to catch their evening train to NYC.

Well, the trip started off with me taking the wrong exit, and having to u-turn all the way around after a short stint in the complete shit of Baltimore (as in, were you in the shit in Vietnam?). Now, with Baltimore recently being named the second deadliest city in the U.S., you can understand why I wouldn't want to spend much time on the wrong side of highway. The girls had dealt with my cluelessness all week, so this was nothing different.

Upon finally arriving at the train station, I pull into the designated drop-off area, and quickly jump out to help unload the luggage. I had Trent's car because he took mine to drive friends to the U.S. Open. So, I can't figure out how to open the hatch, and I keep pressing the unlock button (thinking there is only one button to both lock/unlock the car). Not thinking, I press lock, and shut the door. How this 2007 Audi allows you to lock the doors with the keys in the ignition is still a mystery, but it did indeed allow me to lock my keys, purse, cell phone, and all the girl's luggage in the vehicle. Shit.

I take the advice of the drunk cab driver behind us, and alert the train police. He grabs a slim jim, and I think our problems are solved. Well, he would have to rip all the rubber weather coating to get in, and even then couldn't guarantee the unlocking of an electronic lock. Shit.

After many minutes of contemplation, I realize we have spare keys at our house. With my keys locked in the car, we know our next task is to get home, and break into the house. So, I leave the cop to watch my car as well as Missy as collateral. We use the $21 Chollada has in her purse to get a cab to our house, and flee the cab quickly since we pretty much stiffed him on the tip.

I go to Ryan and Leslie's house (friends that live across the street) to access our spare key. Eureka!
No. None of the spare keys they have fit in our door. As Ryan travels back and forth trying keys, Cho and I are thinking. The night before I had shut and locked the front windows, but luckily, in my stupidity, I didn't lock the smaller side windows.

So, we could actually open the windows with no problem. The issue was, these are small windows. Cho and I rock, paper, scissorsed it to decide who would crawl in. (Actually she completely volunteered, but it sounds better the other way). Then, we try to negotiate what position is best to go in: head first or feet first. I end up insisting she go head first. As she slithered through, I'm holding her ankles, and Filo is at the other end wagging away, and licking her face. Nice guard dog. He barks at neighbors closing their doors ten doors down, but openly welcomes any intruder.

I find the spare keys, and we're ready to return to the city to save the day. I now have to proposition Ryan to drive us there. He and his son Collin selflessly conceded, and we were on our way. When we got there, they had changed the whole traffic pattern getting in since my car was basically blocking any incoming traffic. There were barricades, cones, you name it.

I popped out, and sucked up to the cop once again, who actually couldn't have been nicer. I felt as if I gave him a significant case to oversee since I don't think they get much action at the train station. He seemed proud as a peacock to be in charge of the whole mess. I thought about tipping him, but wasn't sure if that was legal.

The girls missed their train, but luckily got on another without issue. I immediately went home to end the fiasco. Then, proceeded to leave the burner of the stove on from that night through about 5:00 the next day. Trent came home to find it on. At least it was only on simmer!

Other than the normal brain issues this week, I've only managed to burn a bag of microwave popcorn to complete oblivion in the office. It sent billows of yellow smoke throughout the kitchen, and down the halls of the building. The microwave itself was completely yellow, and looked like it got a good dose of radiation. It would have only topped the cake if the fire sprinklers went off. Good times.

Childbirth Class

So, in about 30 minutes, I leave for my second childbirth class. The first week, Nikki had to stand in as my lover, and I must say, she made quite a partner. Water and snacks were provided to me throughout class, she came with her own pillow, and she even rubbed my face and breathed with me like all the other good husbands.

Of course we were the peanut gallery through the whole thing, since the diagrams they show of my enormous 10cm cervix, the fabric uterus they use for demos, and the baby that is stored inside are all worthy of a chuckle.

Trent was away, and unable to attend, and I am unsure if he will be on time this week since he is stuck in traffic on the way back from Northern VA. I'll have to convince these people that I actually do have a husband. Since my memory has turned to complete mush, I'm a little fearful of what my recall will be on go day. Luckily, Nikki logged and sent complete notes from the first class, so at least we have that.

In other news, I've officially popped! My stomach is so big. It looks like a bowling ball, and at this point, I'd rather not go anywhere, since everyone keeps telling me how big I've gotten. Luckily, not much else has swelled up, but still, when you haven't seen people in a while, they're stunned by your size. I have also started feeling the true effects of pregnancy. I will say, with all of my banter on this thing, I've still had it easy. No major complaints, no sickness, no discomfort.

However, this week, I'm felling everything catch up to me much faster. I feel more fatigued (not sleepy though, unfortunately), and clumsy, and my memory is failing. I've also been having a lot more trouble standing up for long periods of time, and bending over is near impossible. Everything folds on top of itself. My boobs are so big, that they get in the way of the bending, and it's a whole mess. I have also been able to hop in and out of bed, and that has turned into the pivot legs, swing off to side, then slide off bed technique.

Today, I tried tightening Filo's leash, and it took ten minutes. First I tried to bend over and do it, then I sat on the floor, then I started sweating, so I was getting flushed and lightheaded...finally, I got up, and he walked with a loose fit.

Lastly, this bean took a while to start kicking around, now it's an all day affair. There are all kinds of fists and heads rolling out of my belly. At bedtime, I pull up my shirt, and have Trent watch as my stomach turns into a circus. My, how things have changed.

All in all, I'm still feeling very good, and I am blessed for that, but I'm starting to get a little perspective into the limits of being pregnant. It only took seven and a half months!