Reality Check

I woke up yesterday with some major pressure on the pelvis. The last week has produced increased discomfort and pressure on lots of stuff. I constantly feel like I have a bladder infection because this child's head rests right on my bladder. I go 100 times a day, with a little squirt each time. I can never believe it because it feel like I have to go so badly. Normally, I don't make time to go to the bathroom. It's some odd laziness I have about leaving my desk and walking to the bathroom. It seems so far, it will take so long to waddle there, pull everything down, pee, scrub up, return to my desk, etc. But now, I've wasted at least 15 minutes a day in there.

The short of it is, the pressure has been building, and to be gross, the nether regions have been swelling. Of course, my borderline mute doctor who never says more than five words to me every appointment just said it's normal, which is her stock response to everything. She has never, in the last 4.5 years I've been going to her said anything else, elaborated once on any question I've asked her, or provided any level of support in any way. I stay with her because everyone raves what a great doctor she is, and to be honest, she gave me the best possible scar outcome from a c-section. There's barely anything there. And frankly, maybe it's better to not hear all the detailed explanations of things. I just get my Labcorp blood request and go on my merry way.

Even though the swelling "down there" is indeed normal, what I didn't know, and what I found out yesterday is that it's a cyst full of fluid that can be helped just a bit with a good old fashioned sitz bath. Can't wait to do that. I thought I was off the hook from these since I did not give birth vaginally, but ladies, ahem, and gentlemen, I look like I have one ball down there. Something needs to be done. So, looks like I won't be spaing it up this weekend, just sitzing. It's kind of like kibitzing, you just do it with you and the toilet bowl.

Again, this is all sideways of what happened. The longer I sat at my desk, the worse the pain got, and I felt like I could barely sit any longer. So, I just decided to call the doctor's office to see if it was normal pain/discomfort. I was expecting them to tell me to come into the office today to check things out, but they called me back to say that the doctor on call said to come to Labor and Delivery as soon as I could. This definitely surprised me, and made me a little worried that there was a small chance the baby could be born (last night). I called Trent, and we decided it was best to have him drive me, just in case. We talked the whole way up about how little we had prepared for the arrival of the baby, and decided that this would be our wake up call to get some things in order. Have a car seat at the ready, diapers, wipes, burp clothes, rockers, etc. That was, if the kid wasn't coming, and we didn't have to send my parents or someone else to make an ER trip to Babies R Us.

The ten mile walk though GBMC to Labor and Delivery actually eased the pain a bit. Even though I constantly felt like I had a rod wedged up my butt. I was waiting for them to tell me I just had to fart, and that I should eat beans or brussel sprouts and they'd see me in a week. They didn't do that. They hooked me up and monitored me for about 30 minutes. The buxom nurse practitioner who gave Trent quite a boob show gave me an internal, and casually discussed the soft cervix and how she was touching the head. Of the baby, not Trent's you know what. She didn't go that far. Geez. Dirty birds.
My translation to that was: this kid is all about being in the birth position. What's up with that with two months to go? She better find her way back up into a neutral position, because we are not trying to have her early. After the exam, and some prodding by the doctor too, it seems it's all good. No labor, no infection that they know of, no farts. They said it's her head being right in there, and the stretching of my c-section scar causing some excess pain and pressure.
Relief for now. I haven't even started xmas shopping, how stressful would that have been?

All night was a little uncomfortable, but I fell asleep super early, in the middle of the Ravens/Falcons debacle in fact. Probably best I slept through that.

I feel better today, and was able to easily attend Lyla's parent/teacher conference at school. Teacher loves Lyla, thank goodness.

All's well that ends well.

A Must See?

I haven't wanted to see a movie in about two years. In fact I'm trying to jar my memory to even remember what movie it was I last wanted to see. I think it might have been "An Education" which I wanted to see, but ended up seeing many months later via rental on iTunes on a flight. That may have also been the last good movie I have seen, and I saw that about a year ago. Although, I did catch The American President late one night two weeks ago. Who doesn't love that flick?

I'm a big Hemingway fan, so when I saw that one of his works, "The Garden of Eden" which was published posthumously about twenty years after his death (he never finished it), I was very intrigued to see how they would handle it.

I normally cringe at anything with Mena Suvari, but her role in this looks pretty decent and mature. I have included the trailer, but I am definitely making some kind of appointment to see this. I have actually not read this book, but started it about ten years ago while I was on a Hemingway kick. I never finished. Kindle, get ready to get rekindled by my cold hand.

10 Fall Essentials Under $200

Since, I cannot wear normal clothes, and I dream of the day I can EVER wear a mini skirt, I continue to dream on behalf of others. I have been obsessing about fall clothes lately, and since it has become increasingly difficult to buy anything for less than $200, I decided to make a list of my top 10. A few of them, I have actually purchased as well!

#1 The marled lambswool après cardigan from J. Crew for $135
I bought this sweater because my big-ass belly can just hang out from within those flaps without a care in the world. The vest underneath? Uh, I don't think so skinny girl.

#2 Rachel Zoe Slouchy Square Hobo from QVC for $38.68. Yes, you read that correctly! Don't pay attention to the fact that it is made of 100% PVC please. It might ruin the enjoyment of this bag.

#3 Pins and Needles Puff Sleeve Faux Fur Coat from Urban Outfitters for $168. I was NOT into UO for a very long time, but they have come back with some very cool stuff the last six months. I have bought quite a lot from their extremely reasonably priced lines lately. I also love a fur coat, always have. My godmother used to give me her daughter's hand-me-down fur rabbit clothes as a kid. I rocked those furs like I was the muse of J. Mendel.


#4 The Charleen flat at Sam Edelman avail at Nordtrom for $49.90
I like Sam Edelman shoes because they are cute, decently made, comfy, and cheap. These flats, available in six colors (not all at Nordstrom) are very classic, but of the moment as well. You can opt for a neutral pair, but I just love the magenta ones.

#5 Ruffle t-shirt dress by Free People for $128.
If I were a rail, I would wear this with black tights and boots in a second. You could also layer it with a funky henley underneath, and one of my fur vests or coats over top. Even a big scarf would look good with it. I fantasize about the ease of wearing something like this, but alas, it is reserved for toothpicks, not I.

#6 Last Dance Dotted Dress at Madewell for $178.
I am loving just about everything at J. Crew's little sister this season, and this perfect dress is nor exception. It's a fantastic out to dinner option, or a dress down with denim option with a cool, vibrant-hued tight. I want it, I want it, I want it.

#7 The Long ruffle skirt from Talbots for $199
This is a quintessential Jen item. I have always been a sucker for a long skirt, and add ruffles to it, and I
m first in line. I have not yet bought this given my current shape, but I'm scared to wait thinking they may not have it later in the season. Also, can you believe it's Talbots? I just received their new catalog, and there were several things like this (minus that weird turtleneck and mom jeans) and this, that I think I want as well.

#8 Kim Skinny Jeans by DL1961 at ShopBop for $158. I will never buy these jeans because my ass will never been, and I don't even think was born this small. However, the rinse is divine, and the cuff makes it for me. I love a cuffed skinny jean.

#9 Brynn Skinny Cargo Pant from Delia's for $49.50
Yes, the cargo is back and has been reinvented. While I prefer the ones on Madewell.com, I didn't want to dupe, and I had to find them at a good price, so I went to my old reliable tween source, Delia's. Girls, remember to order larger since this store carries Junior sizing. I like this pair because they can still be cute or sexy. Throw on a sky high Jimmy Choo like these, which I am waiting to buy for myself as a push gift, and a flowing top with a black leather mini jacket over, and you're ready for anything.

#10 Leather Mini from the Gap for $228.00.
I know this goes over the limit, but if you buy it with the ruffle blouse for just $59.50, the look will be worth it. This ensemble looks just great in this pic, all put together, however, this girl is a model, so reality check this outfit. The sweater may be hideous, and Gap sweaters on the whole are crap, so buyer beware. Without the sweater this look could seem forced, so you might have to grab an understated fur vest, a long tuxedo jacket in a neutral color, or bag the shirt to wear with faded skinny jeans and flats, then add a boatneck blouse in cream and some flat brown boots to set off the leather skirt. Regardless, the skirt is very versatile, as you can see by my comments above.

Yes, I've Popped Ok!

So, yes, my belly has popped. There is no shadow of a doubt I am pregnant. Less than five pictures have been taken of me pregnant, so I cannot show how big I am because the other parts of my body that are also that big needn't be documented. I always think I'm big and fat, but lately people haven't shied away from telling me. The depression of it all has only made me eat more. I'm obsessed with sweets. Cookies, candy, ice cream, you name it. It also seems the house has been stocked with these things even though I have not bought them. I feel slightly out of control, and I know losing this weight will be an even bigger challenge. I dream of wearing cute clothes that I see in magazines and online but I truly don't think I will ever be thin again. I last weighed in at "thin" when I was 120 pounds when we got married. That was almost eight years ago. Where has the time, I mean, weight gone? To my ass? Yes. To my thighs? Oh yes? Even to my calves? It is possible, folks, and the answer is yes.

Last week a co-worker told me NOT to visit Newport Beach (while I was in CA). I didn't understand why he said this, so I inquired. He looked at me as if I should have known, but he went on to tell me that the women are so skinny there, and only have little bumps. So, obviously I would feel very self-conscious there because I am so gross and huge. He didn't say the second part, but he was obviously telling me that I would feel pretty bad about myself in the company of these women. This was after he had told me two months ago that he could tell I was having a girl because I showed everything from behind. I wish I could make this stuff up, but it is all true.
I gained eight pounds in six weeks between my past two appointments at the doctor. This is above average. The average is one to two pounds. I jokingly told the nurse that maybe I should cut down on the ice cream sandwiches, and with a concerned glare, she concurred. Aces.

People can't believe I still have three months to go at my size. Everyone's latest reactions have been, "Wow, you're really showing now!"

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I hate my body, always have. Now, I'm just a complete blob with no shape, lumps, and massive boobs that sweat in the newly elongated 5" cleavage. It's just swell. One would think as much as I hate the way I look, I would do something about it. Instead, I do little to no exercise, complain all the time (like now), and eat like I'm a candidate for the Biggest Loser binging for the last time before the casting call.

I think it's time for the hypnotist. I do believe I'm slightly out of control. Wondering if he'll help with my spending issues, patience levels, parenting skills, work success, and sense of direction while driving while I'm there.

Two Special Videos

Today is Friday, and I'm feeling sappy. I will refrain from being my normal, sarcastic, morbid self. I will not talk about my weight, a color swatch, paper, or why I don't understand people. Instead, I would like to celebrate two things: marriage and pregnancy.

I got really, really lucky when Trent walked into my life. He is my husband, yes. He is also my best friend. The best friend I've ever had. Not in the way that people throw that around either. He understands everything about me, and why I am the way I am. He never gets mad at me. He tolerates my complaining about things that stress me out all the time, and never complains back.

I always want to be with my husband. Not in the creepy weird way that couples who can never do anything apart are. I just always want him around. I always want to call him right after anything happens. I miss his face on his pillow when I sleep alone at night when he's away. I cherish the moments when we get a dinner out, or when I force him to stay up late even though he's falling asleep to talk to me, or to answer trivia questions about our ten years 11 years together. He is the best dad, and the apple of Lyla's eye. I wish everyone could know what an incredibly special relationship we have. How we don't argue (we do bicker though; mostly me) because we usually see eye to eye on most things. When we don't, we don't get mad, we just tell each other. We don't lie to each other (and I'm quite a liar). Best of all, he makes me feel good about myself when I feel the lowest. He never ceases to compliment me when I dress up, or have a good hair day. He also loves me just the same when I am a jerk. Although I do think he could take my jokes directed at him less seriously! Anyway, I profess this love because I saw a video today about an older couple's relationship (characterized through a cartoon) over 27 years.
It made me cry. It also made me realize that I feel the same way about Trent.
I'd like to dedicate today's post (does this happen in the blog space?) to Ali, my sister-in-law, who is getting married next Saturday. I wish you as much happiness as I have been lucky enough to have found.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

A second video I would like to share is of one girl's journey through pregnancy. This is also moving. And with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs in the background, not much could be better. Enjoy.

New Direction?

After I mulled over the idea of a retro style for the baby's new room, I started second guessing my long-term love of it. I get sick of things pretty easily, but I never get sick of the way Lyla's room works. That's because I didn't commit to anything crazy that I could't easily swap out or re-work. It's very versatile. I have striped wallpaper, wood cubbies, an antique bench, and a cow-hide lamp all working together in there, and somehow it meshes and I love it. It's the only room in the house I really love. Maybe it's because Lylie is in it. :)

I don't know how long I can love pale blue walls. In fact, we just had our downstairs painted, and they were supposed to be pale gray but are slanting blue. I already want to repaint the walls. I can barely live with the blue. Maybe it's because all of our old furniture suddenly doesn't match at all. I've been talking here about a revamp for weeks, but nothing has really happened. I feel lost. I can't commit. I'm confused about what moves to make. I definitely need a designer to decorate my next home. It's too stressful to do it myself. I am completely incapable of making decisions in my house. Or, I impulse buy, then it doesn't match or I hate it in a month. This is something I am definitely not good at. I know what I like, I just don't know how to execute.

I'm also nesting already. I have been cleaning out things like the junk drawer, my linen closet, my shoe "situation," and just cleaning house. I don't have a lot of time to clean or nest, so when I start I can't stop. I guess it's a good thing, but it's also annoying to only be able to do it once a month or so. What I'm trying to spit out here is that I am craving structure and style here, and it is seriously lacking. The place is also a constant mess which is making me slightly crazy lately.

So, this made me think more and more that I should go with a classic, simple, and neutral palette for baby bean's room. I want it to be serene, not freaky. Plus, quirky only makes me hate myself later. The other room was too quirky. I was about to buy the bedding for the old post, and I stopped myself thinking, I don't love this.

I pondered. Then, I got the new Restoration Hardware catalog. Thank goodness for chef boy-r-dee. Their new line was amazing for home, and the kids stuff moved away from the pink and brown/blue and brown scheme of the past that has been done a million times before. It was warmer, and felt so much more like real furniture than the candy pop stuff you see so often. I put a new board together with some stand-outs. I think I will end up doing some combination of these selections with some stuff I find elsewhere, but I feel more confident going this route. It seems more us. Like home.

Until my next post.

Classic Wedding Attire

I have always had a soft spot for this style, yet it seems so hard to find. J. Crew has finally made me happy by bringing it back. I would prefer the sleeves to be a tad shorter, maybe just over the elbow, but isn't this dress just lovely?

I could see it with a bunch of chunky, dangly bracelets to funk it up.

I would also pair it with a pair of brightly-colored shoes, or a funky pale pink pair.

I may need to find a reason to buy and wear this dress. Maybe I can be like P. Diddy, throw a white party, and wear this? It has a winter wedding feel, so I'd definitely have to have the party next December (since I will have an eight-month preg belly this December).

Or maybe I'll show up at the Good Shepherd Sip and Shop in this.

I could wear it to Lyla's ballet recital at Christmas. They would appreciate it right?